Marriage issues. I don't know where to start or what to do about it.?

I'm not in a loveless marriage, or an abusive one...or anything like that. We've been married 5 years, and together off and on for 13. We have 3 kids. I guess all the trouble started when he joined the Army 4 years ago. I am Buddhist- very peaceful, pive, and anti-war. I let it go because it's what he wanted to do, but I didn't fully realize how much it would change my life. Now, 2 deployments later he is not the man I married. He is reclusive, doesn't communicate, doesn't show affection, and really doesn't want to spend much time as a family or a couple. Our interests are complete opposites, and getting more and more different almost daily. I love him and I respect him and all that he does, but I don't want to live like this forever. I try to talk to him, but no matter how calm and cool I am about it, he gets offended. All of this aside... we almost never have anymore. Also, due to multiple injuries he's sustained while in the military, and the pills he is on as a result of a diagnosis of a rare disease, he has gained over 40 pounds in the last couple of years. Probably more due to the lack of any kind of relationship than his actual looks, I am not at all attracted to him anymore. We still sleep in the same bed, but we use separate blankets. I usually cry myself to sleep and spend most of my days in tears. It's getting harder and harder for us to agree on moral lessons and values to p to our kids, which is the hardest part. There really isn't a middle ground for the sake of the kids. I believe what I do, he believes what he does. It used to be very similar, now he has changed completely, like I said earlier. Smaller issues pile up to make bigger issues. He's so wrapped up in his work that when he comes home he does nothing, including picking up after himself. His side of the bedroom, his computer area, the basement....all look like something out of an episode of Hoarders. I can't keep up with it all without just throwing it all away, which of course I can't- most of it is military gear. Ahhh! So, I could go on and on, like I have been...but I'd just like to get some feedback. Where do I start? I LOVE him and he's a wonderful person, it's just getting REALLY hard. Thanks so much for reading.